As a hyper-sexual, kinky, bisexual man with a history of sex addiction, the idea of avoiding sex isn’t something I can personally relate to. But I’ve learned that working through my hyper-sexual behavior with my wife has been essential in keeping our connection strong and preventing us from falling into that place of disconnection.
In movies and conversations with friends, it’s common to hear jokes about unsatisfied women and how sex slowly dies as time passes in a relationship. But I don’t find any of that funny—I see it as a path to avoid the guilt and frustration that often comes when couples go down that road.
If you’ve followed my blogs, you know that I believe in using healthy guilt as a tool to inspire change. It’s one of the most effective psychological triggers for genuine growth. But sitting with the guilt of not satisfying your partner or losing the desire to be with them can be a heavy, lonely task—especially when you don’t know where to start.
I’m not a relationship expert, but growing up as a sex addict after experiencing sexual abuse at six years old has forced me to navigate life differently. In order to build a happy and healthy marriage, my wife and I had to address the complex emotions I developed over a lifetime of opening countless sexual doors. This didn’t mean she submitted to every sexual desire I had. Instead, we created a space for freedom of sexual expression within our relationship.
What Is Freedom of Sexual Expression?
It’s an emotional foundation that allows you and your partner to share your raw, unfiltered thoughts about sex without fear of judgment. For some people, leaving their insecurities at the door can be difficult; for others, it’s easier. But the key to this process is understanding that love doesn’t erase sexual attraction to others or eliminate sexual desires.
Nothing compares to the love you and your partner share—especially when it’s intertwined with great sex. But it’s humbling to recognize that others could potentially offer physical experiences your partner might not. This isn’t an invitation to explore those options, but it should serve as a reality check to stop coddling each other’s egos. That’s not how sex improves. That’s how you stay trapped in the same cycle. And if you’ve read this far, I assume you’re looking for something different.
Understanding the Psychology of Sexual Desire
Let’s start with men. Although men and women both experience sexual desire, the way we experience it—physically and psychologically—can be very different. Men tend to sexualize people more often because we’re conditioned to do so from a young age. We’re taught to manage our sexual urges in private, often by masturbating to suppress them. Porn and fantasies become coping mechanisms, creating unrealistic expectations of sex and how women experience it.
We think that having a bigger dick or lasting longer is the key to sexual success, but that’s a myth. Sure, size and stamina help, but they aren’t the end-all, be-all. I’ve had threesomes with guys who were better endowed than me, and guess what? Not all of them knew how to use it. What really matters is learning how to use what you have to meet your partner’s needs.
Here’s a practical tip: The number one sex position that helps women orgasm is her on top. Why? It’s all about the friction on the clitoris, and when she’s in control, she can adjust the pressure and speed as needed. You’re there to provide power and follow her lead.
Women’s Sexual Experiences Are Different
For women, sex is deeply connected to their emotional state. If she feels emotionally restricted or held back, her physical response will reflect that. Your job as her partner is to create a space where she feels free to explore her boundaries without fear of making you feel insecure.
If she has to filter her desires to protect your ego, she’ll give you a watered-down version of her sexual self. And that’s probably the pattern you’re stuck in now. To break it, you need to be willing to listen without judgment or defensiveness.
Understand that women don’t objectify us like we do them. They aren’t fantasizing over dick pics or getting turned on by visual stimulation the way men do. For them, it’s more about emotional and mental connection. Everything we experience, sexually or otherwise, is tied to our nervous system, and the brain is the control panel. If you want to connect with her sexually, you need to connect with her emotionally first.
Men Need to Heal Their Shame Around Sexuality
Ladies, I’ll warn you: when you open this door, you might see sides of your partner you didn’t know existed. In some cases, you might even be the one with a stronger sexual drive, and that’s okay. But in my experience, that’s the exception rather than the rule, and it’s often linked to something deeper, like early experiences that shaped a more objective view of sex.
For most men, though, sexual emotions are tangled with shame. Despite looking like a grown man, many men are still carrying around the shame of their teenage selves, confused and alone in dealing with intense sexual urges. Through a combination of porn and fantasy, they’ve built a private world that you may not know exists. But those urges don’t disappear—they’ve just been hidden.
When you create a safe space for him to share those feelings, you become more than a partner—you become his confidante. That doesn’t mean you have to fulfill every fantasy he shares, but the act of talking about them will strengthen your bond and help you both discover common ground.
Sexual Freedom Can Strengthen Your Entire Relationship
Opening these doors of communication has profoundly strengthened my relationship with my wife. It’s improved every other area of our relationship and communication, allowing us to grow as individuals and as a couple.
We often feel shame for having natural sexual feelings because society doesn’t teach us how to process them in healthy ways. That shame can evolve into even more complex emotions that still demand to be felt.
So, the question is: are you sexually compatible with your partner? Are you satisfied physically, or do you crave more but feel guilty about it? Are you living in a world of fantasy and desire, locked within the prison of your mind?
If you’re struggling to start this conversation, use this article as a tool to shift perspectives. Share it with your partner, and work together to build a relationship based on freedom of sexual expression. Don’t fall into the outdated norms of unsatisfied intimacy. Instead, leave that behind and create a new reality—one built on mutual understanding, vulnerability, and trust.
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